


in which john is a little shit (but he has every right to be)

by caryophyllaceae (xphantomhive)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Bottom John, Dirty Talk, Fingerfucking, John being a little shit, Kinda, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Rutting, Schoolgirl uniform, Slut John, Spanking, Uniforms, a vibrating hand, against a hand, bring johndave and dirkjohn and just john and any strider, brobot can vibrate shit idfk is this even atag, but what is new about that????, i am hanging around at the dumpyard, i wanna say vibrators but???, lube is used, not really???, pl esasse, pls send help 2 me, quickly mentioned roxy lalonde, robot....vibrator....., sorta???, thigh rubs, why did i do this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-31
Updated: 2016-07-31
Packaged: 2018-07-28 08:12:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7632064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xphantomhive/pseuds/caryophyllaceae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You hate your boyfriend and his dumb robots and his stupid fixation with having everything done perfectly. Seriously, fuck him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	in which john is a little shit (but he has every right to be)

**Author's Note:**

> my brain: caelyn i'm not sure this is such a good idea, should you really write it???  
> me: i don't know  
> my brain: i don't think u should  
> me: lmao i'm gonna

You know that something is off when you step into your house and all of the lights are off.

It’s not like that’s overly abnormal, because you do know that sometimes Dirk prefers the dark over the light. The only problem is that Dirk likes for it to be dark inside while it’s light outside, and it’s ten p.m. on a summer night so the sun is pretty much fully gone and overtaken by the moon. You sigh heavily because the last time this happened, he was getting you back for pranking him by putting glue in his shampoo bottle. He spent an hour making little robot figures that came walking out of his bedroom when you tried to walk in, and it was a pretty measly trick but Dirk knows you’re skittish so you almost pissed yourself.

“Dirk?” You call, unloading the groceries in your arms onto the counter. You don’t get an answer, so you shrug carelessly. He must have had an emergency gig, or something. Nothing to worry about. And if not that, then Roxy might have called him with another stupid request. You love Roxy, you really do, and you know that she’s always there to support you and Dirk, but some of the things she calls him over for are absolutely ridiculous. Read: “John Egbert’s totally-not-surprise-birthday-party.” You heave a sigh and empty the grocery bags onto the counter, huffing a little bit about the fact that you’ve got to do this alone. You would’ve waited until Dirk could go with, but sadly, the fridge was all-but empty and you were hungry. You restock the fridge as quickly as you can and then you toe your shoes off, kicking them aside and stepping into the living room.

You’re ready to sit on the sofa and relax until you see it. Illuminated by that weird smuppet lamp Dirk made and insisted you put next to the couch is Auto-Responder (or Lil Hal, whatever, you’ve heard Dirk call the odd shades both) and folded neatly next to those is some kind of outfit with an almost disgusting amount of orange in it. You raise a curious eyebrow and step forward, close enough now to see the note stuck to the table. Written in Dirk’s chicken scratch is, “put both of us on” with a stupid little winky face next to it. Heaving a sigh, you make a grab for the outfit and your face heats up when you find that it’s a schoolgirl uniform, straight out of a cheesy hentai.

And...well. A pair of orange panties with a white bow on the front. You look back between the note and the outfit and decide _fuck it_. You strip right there in the living room, folding your clothes neatly and setting them on the coffee table. You even take your boxers off and replace them with the panties. You blush harder once you’ve got the outfit pulled on, because, wow. You nervously pull on the stockings and slip your feet into the black loafers, eyes darting around like someone might be watching you. Dirk may just be, with those dumb surveillance cameras he put up to “protect your house.” Bullshit. Translation: to watch you, hoping you’ll be naked or something of the sort.

After a few minutes of being worked up about the outfit you’re wearing, you slip your glasses off and replace them with Auto-Responder.

TT: Hello, John.

TT: How are you this evening?

You huff. “I’m fine. Why am I wearing this outfit and you?”

TT: For sexual reasons, obviously.

TT: Why else?

“Ugh, Dirk is gross. I’m taking this off.”

TT: Go ahead.

TT: If you’d like to be punished, of course.

“You think that’s going to stop me? That’s an incentive.”

TT: Quit whining.

TT: You’re such a baby.

TT: Just walk to the bedroom.

You cross your arms and give another huff. You know you’re being a child about this, but man, you hate when Dirk does things like this. You walk carefully to the bedroom, cautious to avoid things you may run in to since you aren’t wearing your glasses. Once you’ve made it safely to the bedroom, you get ready to start bitching at Lil Hal again, but before you can you feel something cold press against your back. “Ahh!” You screech, voice going high enough that someone may take you for a girl. You jump at least three feet into the air.

At that, you hear a chuckle next to your ear. Not just any chuckle though. It’s somewhat Dirk’s chuckle, but with an electronic edge. You’re squished against Brobot. “What is this, “every Dirk ganging up on John” night? Man, I just wanted to watch a movie.”

“Not every Dirk,” Brobot gives in response. Ugh, you hate your boyfriend and you hate all of the stupid other versions of him he’s made. You’re distracted for a second before you feel Brobot’s freezing hand against your thigh, kneading the flesh there. What you hate even more is that your boyfriend took the time to re-program the bots to know your weaknesses. Your head lolls back into Brobot’s shoulder, and you start panting gently. What? You like having your thighs rubbed, okay! It’s perfectly normal, thank you very much. “Just us.”

TT: But, just so you’re aware,

TT: This was set up by Dirk himself.

“Yeah, I figured,” you reply breathily. Brobot starts sneaking his hand up a little further, and before you know it he has his hand pressed against your dick. You whine at the feeling, especially because his hands are freezing because he’s a fucking robot and also because - fuck - when the hell did Dirk program his hands being able to vibrate in? You keen, bucking your hips up against his hand. “Aw, what the fuck, am I gonna get screwed by a robot tonight?”

TT: It’s likely.

TT: Not by me, of course. I’ll just be delivering the namecalling and dirty talk.

TT: Something along the lines of…

TT: You’re such a needy slut, John.

You breathe a little heavier Lil Hal’s words. While you’re distracted by that, Brobot takes the time he has to slip the panties down to your knees and knead your ass. “You’ve got such a nice ass, John. It is truly a shame that Dirk keeps you all to himself. Such a selfish prick, even to offshoot versions of himself.”

You moan when he spreads your cheeks apart, reaching your hands back to grip his arms. “Okay, wha- _ahhh_ -tever, you’ve got me at your dispense now and I hope pretty deeply that you plan on fucking me sometime in this century.”

TT: You know better than to be such a little brat, don’t you?

TT: I’m sure you’ll be punished for that.

Punished you are. Without much of a warning, Brobot slips one of his fingers into you, and you keen loudly and buck your hips back against it. Surprisingly, it goes in easier than you expected it would have and...holy fuck, your boyfriend programmed his robot to have lube in his fucking fingertips. What the hell is wrong with your boyfriend, seriously? Why can’t he just be a normal boyfriend, who brings you flowers and watches movies with you and all that junk?

You’re distracted and relaxed enough that Brobot can slip a second finger into you, and that’s when it really gets fun. You’d almost forgotten that his hands could vibrate, but you remember quickly as he starts it up again and then presses his fingers right against your prostate. You scream, back arching.

TT: Look at you, John.

TT: You’re such a cock hungry slut, aren’t you?

TT: Begging to be fucked.

You start breathing heavier, your breaths becoming just a bit wheezy. “Yeah, wh _ahhhh_ tever, Lil Hal. I’m tot _ahhh_ lly the biggest sl-slut on the planet.”

TT: Snarky boys get punished.

Brobot’s third finger slips inside of you, and then he brings his hand down on your right cheek. It hurts and stings more than a normal person’s hand would, but he’s made out of metal, so. You want to say that you didn’t like it, but you did, very much. So much that you rut against Brobot’s three fingers and beg for him to do it again. “I don’t know, John,” he whispers in your ear. He sounds so much like Dirk, but there’s an edge to his voice that Dirk doesn’t have. “You’ve been pretty bad. Talking back to Lil Hal, being a sarcastic shit. Do you deserve what you want?”

“Y-Yes!” You squeak out. You’re actively riding the fingers inside of you now. You would’ve expected them to hurt a lot more, but they really don’t. They may be metal, but they’re the same size as Dirk’s fingers. Your boyfriend made sure he wasn’t short of perfection when he crafted something, so you aren’t surprised that Brobot is made so well.

TT: I think you deserve it, John.

TT: But I only think you should get it if you say, “I’m a needy slut.”

TT: Can you do that for us?

You’re quick to choke out, “I’m a needy slut!” and once it’s out of your mouth Brobot brings his palm down against your cheek again. You moan and screech at the top of your lungs, back arching again. Brobot’s fingers slip out of you and you moan at the loss, until it’s being replaced with his dick. Yes, his dick. Your boyfriend is disgustingly particular about things being realistic, so it’s no surprise that he gave Brobot a dick.

He stops once he’s got the head in, and you’re quick to shove yourself back against him.

TT: Nah-ah, John.

TT: That isn’t what good boys do.

Brobot’s hand comes down against you again, and you keen loudly. You apologize profusely, and as a reward you get Brobot pressing in the rest of the way. Once you’ve taken him to the hilt, you feel - oh holy fuck - you feel vibrations against you. You moan like a wanton hooker and don’t even give a shit about it, arching your back and pushing your ass against Brobot. You think if he could, he’d be smirking now. “Good boy.”

You cry out, knowing you won’t last long like this. Brobot only has to push himself against you a few times before you’re screaming but trying to hold yourself back.

TT: Don’t be afraid, John.

TT: You can let go.

At Lil Hal’s four-word sentence, you spill yourself all over your stomach. You’re breathing heavy, and instead of staying inside of you like Dirk would’ve (you don’t mind it when that happens, of course) Brobot pulls out. He retracts his dick (oh, what the hell) and lays you down on the bed. He takes the schoolgirl uniform off of you and wraps you up in the blanket, the same way Dirk does. You don’t even care that you’ve still got Lil Hal on.

TT: Did you have a good time, princess?

“Fuck you, Hal.” You mumble sleepily.

Brobot shuts himself down like you’ve seen him do before, and you yawn.

TT: If I were able, I’m sure it would be quite the other way around, John.

“Ughhh,” you grumble. “Why are you so annoying?”

TT: Because I’m a version of Dirk.

TT: Will you just sleep already?

You sleep already.

(Dirk wakes you up at two a.m. and tells you that he went through the video feed and now he’s horny.

You tell him to fuck off and do it himself in the bathroom because he made his robots tag-team you unexpectedly.)

**Author's Note:**

> if you ask me, "why did you write this?" i will respond with: i have no idea.
> 
> has this ever even been written before? probably not. i'd actually bet that it's never been written, literally ever before. i mean this pairing. i mean auto-responder/john/brobot.
> 
> if you read this and liked it, thank you.


End file.
